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Archive for the ‘Arcade’ Category

Films That Rocked My World: Wreck-It Ralph

In Arcade, Film on February 12, 2013 at 1:14 pm

Written by me. Contains copious profanity. You fuck!

Title: Wreck-It Ralph

Dir: Rich Moore

Released: 8th Feb, 2013 (UK)

Wreck-it_ralph

First up, a quick disclaimer: I hate spoilers. I’m sure no one likes spoilers (though there seems to be one hell of an appetite for them, if the internet’s anything to go by – and unfortunately it is), but I hate them. Nothing gets my goat more than a friend going “check out this film! You won’t believe the devastating scene at the end of the second act!”. Brilliant. Now I’m totally prepared for devastating scene at the end of the second act. You unimaginable penis. Best case scenario? It lives up to the expectation, and I go: “oh yeah, X was right”.

Which is what they want, by the way. All would-be spoilers are needy little urchins, clamouring for your attention and approval, desperate to piggyback on and leech off a film’s achievements, claiming they called it and understand it, like the validation-hungry, glory-seeking guttersnipes they are.

Worst case scenario? I’m totally underwhelmed by what otherwise might have been a pivotal and life-altering moment in a landmark picture and will never enjoy it in the way it was intended. Way to go, you afterbirth. Read the rest of this entry »

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Games That Rocked…Benzaemon’s World – #19: Sonic Blast Man

In Arcade, SNES on December 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Title: Sonic Blast Man

Format: Arcade, SNES

Released: 1990

OUTGROWING YOUR PROBLEMS

Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Punch My Personal Issues

They say violence never solved anything.

They never played Sonic Blast Man.

I grew up in a tiny seaside town that had nothing to do in it. In my free time I’d make a sandwich and go into the woods for fifteen hours at a time or sit and wonder if black people really existed.

There was one toyshop, and as I didn’t give a shit about Sylvanian Families, there wasn’t much to spend pocket money on. When it came though, there was only one place it was going.

Going to the games arcade was like going to the once-yearly carnival – extreme excitement based around the blaring music and horrible lights, but tinged with the exhilarating fear of navigating through the crowd of chavs at the entrance and avoiding the gypsy owners.

Inside it was an Aladdin’s cave of games that the rest of the country was sick of. There was a three-player Aerosmith shoot ’em up that actually had Steve Tyler’s voice. In a bid to stay relevant your guns fired CDs. There was an amazing Spider-man arcade game that was glitched and sometimes your character just fell down dead; I asked for my money back once and was told ‘that’s how that game works’.

But it didn’t seem to matter. This was a place that I loved and somewhere that I could never possibly humiliate myself by allowing a woman to get sexually assaulted. Right? Read the rest of this entry »

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